The bowls semi final

Open letter of complaint to:-

Eileen & John Oliver, Club Competition Committee

Re: ROBERT (DOLITTLE ) THORLEY.

Following my semi-final match in the gents singles with Bob on Thursday 17^th August I request you take measures to change the club competition rules to prevent the tactics described below being used in future club competition matches.

I was playing really well taking a strong early lead, with my mentor, Bert Potter, supporting me, but once Bob encouraged him to leave for his evening meal it started to go wrong.

I thought I could cope without Bert, but just as I was delivering the vital 1st wood of the next end Thorley called in two homing pigeons to make a low flying pass across the green. -- I will be applying to the Council for a no fly zone over the green on match nights

On a subsequent end, just as my winning wood was approaching the jack he communicated with one of the strategically placed worms to pop up, causing my wood to turn at rights angles away from the jack. I now know why he pre booked that rink two days before enabling him to position the vermin. --If anyone has any hedgehogs please consider donating them to the club

Dolittle obviously has a friend behind the hedge at the end of rink 5. This mate on cue (i.e. when I was about to bowl each end) started up a very noisy chain saw.

The match had moved on to the vital middle stage and I fell for the oldest trick in the book, members please be aware, Bob delivered the jack and his shot wood close by. I didn’t realise that he had left only just enough room for my wood and a cigarette paper either side. I am sure you have guessed my end winning wood found that centre line and went straight through.—I have seen this devilish move on many occasions in the past but this time it was perfection, so I am sure he is using his knowledge of the colours of nature to create an optical illusion, using the green and its surroundings to make it appear from the other end of the rink that was impossible for the wood to go through the gap without touching anything.

I had by this time realised this was going to be difficult, the draw had been fixed so he chose the marker, normally the very trustworthy Terry (Pan’s People) Plumb, let me down who on cue with the loud music from the Haydon Centre starting jigging around at the end of the green. -- I admit it was my mistake I should have known it was Thursday I have learnt to cope with the music but this added distraction was too much!

Sensing I was making a come back Dolittle then released his trained flies from his pocket which flickered past my eyelashes.

The most impressive distraction of the match was a trained Sparrow Hawk that swooped down across the green into the hedge to capture its poor unsuspecting prey. The hunter then clutched the poor bird in its talons and still squawking very loudly continued its kill behind us in the rose bushes. – Come back fox, all is forgiven

By this time I had then become so paranoid I was concerned that every time the seagulls flew overhead I was expecting then on to drop something on me, as you can guess I lost the game.

At the bar after the match I learned that Dr Dolittle, having been so successful, is already planning new and more impressive distracting measures for next years competition. He is hoping to buy a cottage in the village with a massive garden, who knows what he will breed and train in this new environment.

I hope all members will join with me to put a stop to these tactics being employed within our club and report any suspicious actions by this member. Please report them to the committee so that suitable rule changes can be made at the AGM.

IDBI